Healthy vs Unhealthy Friendships: How to Get Your Needs Met

By Lauren Rose Correa, April 6, 2025

Healthy vs Unhealthy Friendships: Two Women Sitting Together

Did you know that God has ordained certain friendships to be in your life? These friendships will sustain you and propel you closer to your destiny. It’s important that we are available to the friends he has placed in our lives. We need to give the full support and friendship that they deserve to have. It’s also important to be able to identify healthy vs unhealthy friendships.

One of the ways that the devil can attack us is to place people in our lives who leach our energy. Our attention given to these false friendships will make us unable to fulfill the purpose God has for our lives.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Friendships: We Have Limited Energy

We only have a certain amount of time and energy to give others. It’s important that we give this gift to the people God intends us to give it to. There will be plenty of people who want your attention. However, you are not superman/superwoman and you can’t be everyone’s best friend. It is your job to steward the relationships in your life that are God-ordained. It’s important to keep appropriate boundaries so that your energy and time are not drained by things that aren’t really from him.

Giving energy to people who don’t deserve it can:

Take away from time spent on activities that God has purposed for this time in our lives.
Cause us to not give the God-given relationships in our lives (our husbands, children, close friendships, mentors, and “mentees”) our best effort.
Rob us of our rest, which will make us vulnerable to spiritual attack and will prevent us from being our best self.

It’s important to understand the difference between someone that has been placed in our lives for a reason and someone who is distracting us from our purpose. Sometimes, God might place someone in our lives who is meant to be given SOME of our energy. They might demand more of us than they are actually entitled to. In this situation, the friendship might not need to be cut off entirely – it will just need a new set of boundaries.

Healthy vs Unhealthy Friendships: Telling the Difference

It’s important to decipher the difference between healthy friendships and unhealthy ones. Here are a few guidelines:

Healthy Friendships…

Formed naturally
Both parties initiate relatively equally (there’s always a bit of inequality and give and take, but it shouldn’t be completely one-sided)
Emotional support is mutually provided, but God is the foundation, not the other person
Conversations are centered on positive, healthy topics, not based on gossip or anything unhealthy
Conflicts that arise are resolved maturely and fairly; in a real God-ordained friendship, resolving a conflict actually brings the two closer together

Unhealthy Friendships…

Friend has certain expectations and is frequently unhappy that they are not met (how often texts and calls should be answered, how often you should hang out, etc.)
Friend has expectations placed on the other party that they themselves do not live up to
One person is initiating more than the other person
One person is exerting pressure on the other party
One person monopolizes the conversation frequently
In conflicts, one or both parties always seek to be right rather than seeking a resolution.
In my experience, the number one indicator of an unhealthy friendship is when spending time with the other person drains you and doesn’t refresh you

Healthy vs Unhealthy Friendships: Meeting Your Emotional Needs

A true friendship will fulfill a few of your emotional needs, but not all of them. I have one friend that I text constantly and spend a lot of time with. We talk and laugh for hours on end. We are both very emotional and care deeply about people, and I feel calm and relaxed when I’m around her. I have another friend who is a bit more introverted. I see her about once a month, and we tend to have more serious discussions. She’s also great at giving advice.

Each friend is equally valuable to me. However, if I had the same expectations for each of them, I would be sorely disappointed. If I expected the introvert to want to see me all the time, I’d start to feel like she didn’t love me. If I tried to get the first friend to be more serious, I would miss out on the fun that this friendship brings to my life. I share this to explain why we need to be careful about having certain expectations in friendships. My need for goofing off and gabbing is valid, but not every one of my friends can meet this need.

Trusting God to Fulfill Our Emotional Needs

When we have a unmet need, we could feel frustrated at the people around us for not filling it. But if God is in control of our friendships, then he knows the needs we have and he will fill our lives with the right people to satisfy every one of them. When we don’t trust that God is in control of our friendships, we will start to put pressure on people to meet needs that they aren’t designed to fill. And that’s where we start to get into trouble.

God is our provider, and it’s his job to meet our needs. We need to give him control over who gets our time and attention. When we trust him with our friendships, he will build us a team of people who will meet our needs for intimacy, love, and connection. Having this need met is an essential part of moving toward the destiny that God has for you.

It’s time for self-evaluation. Are there any friendships that are draining you of your energy and confidence? Which friendships have proven to provide you with the stability you need to pursue your calling?