Have you ever wondered how to stop being a people pleaser? I think that sometimes, we can think of people pleasing as a good thing. People pleasers are very agreeable, often polite, typically obey authority, and they like having a good reputation with people.
While there is some value in these things, ultimately being a people pleaser is not something we are called to do as Christians.
What happens when our desire to please man leads us away from what is right and good? Are we able to stand up for truth, even when it won’t make us popular with people?
Can we hold our Christian friends accountable when they need redirecting? Are we so concerned with pleasing people that we are allowing others to abuse and manipulate us?
I am a recovering people pleaser. I always wanted the other people in my life to be happy with me. After an experience with a narcissistic friendship and yet another experience of being canceled by people at my church because I was struggling with mental health, I realized that something had to change. I could no longer be happy living for the approval of man – I had to find a new way of living.
“Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” – Galatians 1:10 NIV
In this passage, Paul talks about people pleasing. To give some context, some folks had been preaching a gospel that differed from what is true. Paul advocated for holding fast to truth, rather than preaching something different just to make people happy. He states, “If I were trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
This calls for us to examine our motives: are we living for man, or for God? Whose approval do we value? If we are believers, the answer ought to be God. There’s nothing wrong with having a good reputation and being liked, but we can’t always have that and also please God.
Making God happy should come before all of that! Especially in this day and age, standing up for truth is bound to ruffle some feathers. There will always be someone unhappy with what you have to say. Learn to accept that and let go of needing their approval.
All of that said, how do you stop what you are doing and start making important changes to your behavior? Read on for a few tips on how to stop being a people pleaser.
It’s important to be aware of our own behaviors so that we can change them. Spend time reflecting on your actions and your responses to different situations. You can even try writing them down or journaling them. Once you are more aware of what your behaviors are, you’ll be better able to change them.
Another facet of self-awareness is being able to recognize our own needs. If you learn what your needs are, you can take steps to ensure those needs are met. You can also stop brushing your needs aside, helping others at your own expense.
It’s been said that you can’t pour from an empty cup! Your needs must be met for you to be effective at helping others.
If you are a recovering people pleaser, you’ll probably need to learn how to set boundaries. Practice this by using short, simple phrases. Don’t feel the need to over explain when you are setting boundaries. You can simply say, “I can’t talk right now, I’m too busy,” or “Not this time, thank you.”
Setting boundaries actually improves relationships. For example, I am an introvert and sometimes I find myself having to turn down hangouts or phone calls when I’m feeling socially drained.
When I take on too much, I can start to resent the other person for draining me. But it’s actually up to me, not them, to manage my energy. When I say no and get my rest, that means I can come back to the friendship later feeling adequately refreshed.
In line with boundary setting is learning how to say no. People pleasers often say yes to everything to avoid disappointing people.
When you stretch yourself too thin, you’ll probably end up not giving the best of yourself to anyone. Remind yourself of this fact when you turn someone’s request down. Only take on what you can reasonably handle. This ensures that everything you do will get your best effort.
A root cause of people pleasing is often low self-worth. If we don’t value ourselves, we put everyone’s else’s needs and wants ahead of our own. We will give to others at our own expense.
Remind yourself that you are just as valuable as anyone else. Practice self-care and pay attention to what you need and want.
Don’t allow yourself to become worn out and overloaded. Instead, prioritize your needs and then give to others out of your abundance rather than your lack.
If I haven’t already made this point in other bullets, it’s so important to take care of yourself. By setting boundaries, prioritizing your needs, and learning better self-esteem, you’ll be equipped to take care of your physical and emotional needs. This will make you a better friend, and you will be better able to pour into others.
Self-care for me typically means alone time doing activities that I love. For you it could be time spent with friends or family, reading a book, or going for a walk. Whatever it looks like for you, prioritizing it will make you more balanced and improve every aspect of your life.
If you are a people pleaser, start implementing these ideas to help you get away from always needing their approval of others. What one step can you take today to move in the right direction? Practice making changes little by little until you no longer struggle with people pleasing!
As a recovering people pleaser, something I’ve experienced in my life is a brush with narcissistic friendships. You may be interested to read my post on how to avoid narcissistic relationships.
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