An online lifestyle magazine for Christian women
Have you found yourself in a pattern of getting into relationships with narcissists? When I was younger, I had the experience of living with a friend and roommate that turned out to be a narcissist. While I have no desire to share all the details of the story on this blog, suffice it to say that this person put on a front of being a caring and kind individual. When we had a huge disagreement, her true colors began to show.
She tried to gaslight me in this disagreement by switching all the details of what actually happened. She retold the story as though I did what she had done to me and she was just an innocent victim in the situation. When I didn’t accept her altered version of events, she became explosively angry. She began verbally assaulting me and attacking me every way she knew how. When I left for a new living situation, she continued to attack my character behind my back, playing the victim.
I rarely think about this situation these days, as I have healed and moved on from it. But I’ve heard so many stories of other people who have had encounters with narcissists and compulsive liars. I wanted to share what I’ve learned in case it can help someone else.
The main thing I learned from this situation was that even though I wasn’t the one lying and attacking, there were certain traits I had that made me a good victim for a narcissist. I had to deal with these issues in myself in order to ensure I did not end up in a similar friendship in the future.
It can be easy to focus all your thoughts on how bad the narcissist was, but if you don’t deal with yourself, you risk repeating the pattern. Here are the traits I had to deal with in myself to find healing and avoid future relationships with narcissists.
Since childhood, I’ve always sought to make others happy with me. This can be a very unhealthy trait, but it often gets a lot of positive reinforcement from parents who are happy to have such an obedient kid. It’s important that you aren’t so obliging to others that you give to them at your own expense. It’s also important that you can stand up for what’s right, not just what will make the other person happy with you.
If you are doing what’s right, not everyone will be happy with you. If making people happy is your ultimate goal, you need to evaluate yourself and make some changes. Doing so will protect you from narcissistic people who will exploit your people pleasing for their own gain.
At the time that I encountered this narcissist, I did not have the best boundaries with my friends. I didn’t always know how to say no to things I didn’t want to do. Often, I had trouble communicating when I was mentally drained and needed to be alone. I specifically remember that when I got a new sewing machine, she wanted to use it. I allowed her to, despite feeling uncomfortable loaning out something like that, and she almost broke it.
These days, I am much better at saying no and keeping boundaries in friendships. Being able to do this protects you from people who want to leech you of your energy.
Being too trusting of people can set you up to believe any lie that someone feeds you. It took me a while to notice that this friend was a compulsive liar. But once I discovered one lie, all of the others came unraveled. I realized she’d been lying and talking behind my back for a while, all while presenting a false front of friendship.
We need to be wary of things that other people say to us. A big hint that someone is lying to you is if they are overly flattering to your face, especially early on in the relationship. This is also known as love bombing, and it’s a huge narcissistic red flag. They become close to you quickly through compliments and flattery, and once they think they have you, a switch flips and they see what bad behavior they can get away with. If you struggle with identifying when someone is lying, I’ve written a great blog post on how to spot a liar.
When I saw certain bad traits in others, I usually had a lot of grace for them. I knew I was a sinner too, so I wouldn’t judge them, but rather would tolerate the bad traits. While I like the fact that I’m not very judgmental, I needed to learn to call out red flags in the behavior of others and confront it rather than accept it.
Something big I noticed about this person from early on in our living situation was that she lacked empathy. This is a huge red flag for narcissism! Now that I’m aware of this, if I ever encounter someone without empathy I keep a polite distance rather than befriending them.
If any part of my story seemed familiar to you, you may have had an experience with a narcissist. The positive thing is that if you take the time to evaluate what made you a good victim, you can learn how to spot this behavior and how to avoid putting yourself in this situation ever again.
Lauren Magazine is an online lifestyle magazine for Christian women.
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