My therapist once told me that people rarely talk about “living loss.” Living loss is when your friend is still alive, but the relationship has been severed and you can’t be in contact with them. Often this type of loss comes with a good amount of grief, and many people don’t realize just how painful it can be to experience these friendship breakups.
When I first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I lost a lot of friendships in the aftermath. To explain what I believe some of them were upset about, I grew very paranoid during my episode and thought that pretty much everyone, including myself, was part of a cult. Some close friends took offense to this, rather than recognize that I was not myself when I thought this. It didn’t reflect how I really felt about my friendships, but I guess some people didn’t know how to make that distinction.
Some friends ghosted me, not responding to my texts and calls. Others told me I needed to get better before we could be friends again. Some quietly withdrew, perhaps not knowing how to be supportive. A few offered support and understanding, and those friendships have survived and thrived. But unfortunately, the majority of the people I had surrounded myself with at the time were less than supportive. It was a very painful time in my life.
Losing friendships can be such a painful thing. But I’ve come to realize I’m not the only one who has been through it. Most people experience changes to their friendships throughout the course of their life. Sometimes it’s a falling out, sometimes people outgrow each other, and sometimes people move away and lose touch.
If you find yourself mourning friendship breakups, here are some key truths to help you get through it and finding healing.
After talking to my husband, sister, and other friends, I realized I wasn’t alone. Although things happened pretty dramatically for me, most people know what it’s like to lose a friend. If you confide in others, you’ll likely discover this for yourself. Losing friendships is part of life for most people, and if you realize that, it will be easier for you to accept the loss.
As we change and grow, sometimes the friendships that we’re working for us in the past no longer serve us. You may find you have less in common, they might move away and lose touch, or you may realize that the friendship was innately unhealthy.
Today I am thankful for the way things went down in my life. My husband and I were casual friends before my episode happened, and as a result of being ghosted by so many people, we ended up forming a closer friendship that led to a relationship. I think all the right people ended up staying in my life, and the ones I lost were just not meant to be there forever.
If the other person wronged you in some way, it’s important to forgive them, even if they never know about it. In fact, it’s often best if this is worked out privately. Reaching out just to tell someone you forgive them will rarely be well received. But to avoid feeling bitter and resentful, forgiveness is key. You don’t need to carry anger and hurt around with you forever.
Even if the friendship ended badly, you likely have some positive memories from your past friendships. It’s okay to remember the person fondly, even if you no longer speak. When you do recall time spent with them, take it as a reminder to pray for that person and wish them well.
This is something I learned from my negative experience with losing friends. I used to have lots and lots of friendships, and I would truly befriend just about anyone. But after seeing a few close friends step forward and help me get through my crisis, I realized I didn’t need as many friends as I thought I did. These days, I’m much more discerning about what friendships are allowed in my life. While I try to be friendly with everyone, I don’t need to be close to everyone. I’ve found I’m much happier this way, and my life is far more peaceful.
If you’ve lost a friendship, I hope this post has helped you realize that healing is possible. It doesn’t take away the pain right away, but know that you aren’t alone. Focus on the friendships that have survived the test of time and be grateful for those people. Pray for the ones you’ve lost, and work on forgiveness so you don’t remain bitter. If you are in need of someone to talk to, you can always DM me @LaurenMagazine on Instagram.
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