Have you ever had to step away from a friendship? There have been a handful of times in my life when I’ve had to do just that. For me, it always comes with some negative emotions and sometimes, a bit of guilt.
When you are a people pleaser like me, or you just genuinely care about the feelings of others, you may find exiting a friendship to be a challenge. You may wonder how to break up with a friend without hurting them more than necessary.
Sometimes, a friendship that once served you is no longer healthy. Or perhaps the friendship was always unhealthy, and you are finally acknowledging that fact. Either way, staying in such a friendship can be damaging. It’s important to protect your peace and surround yourself with people who uplift you, support you, and who can be trusted with your thoughts and feelings.
If you are wondering whether or not to put an end to a friendship, here are some guidelines about when you should consider walking away:
If your friend is not respectful of your boundaries, the friendship may not be healthy. Before leaving, give your friend a chance to correct their behavior. Communicate boundaries clearly and calmly. But if they are a repeat offender, they get angry when you set boundaries, or they don’t seem to understand or value boundaries, you may need to step away from the friendship.
When your friend is not living for the Lord, you may have to reconsider the friendship. Now, I have plenty of friends who do not believe what I believe. But the people in my closest circle of influence are people who are living for Christ. Be careful to remember that no one is perfect – including you. Don’t abandon your friend just because they are having a sin struggle. If they are seeking help and freedom, they need your love and support. But if they are rebelling and not even trying to correct their mistakes, you may need to distance yourself from the friendship.
If your friend is physically or verbally abusive, you don’t need to subject yourself to their abuse. I once had to leave a friendship with a narcissist who I realized was a compulsive liar and gaslighter. When someone is abusive, it’s not your job to fix them. Protect yourself and step away!
If your friend is gossiping behind your back or letting your secrets slip out to others, they have betrayed your trust. If your friend can’t be trustworthy, than you can’t have a very healthy friendship with them. You can walk away and stick to friends that you know you can trust with your secrets, or that you know would stand up for you rather than gossip about you.
If your friendship with someone is preventing your personal growth, you may need to walk away. I’m friends with plenty of people who are imperfect, who disagree with me on certain subjects, or who don’t know the Lord. What makes these friendships work is they are casual and they don’t hinder me from growing. The moment you are being negatively affected by someone’s presence in your life and your growth is hindered, you may need to leave or at least add some boundaries in the friendship.
If a friendship is not giving you life, but is draining the life out of you, it may be time to step away. If your conversations are repeatedly negative or you just don’t enjoy their presence anymore, your friendship may have run its course. But this doesn’t mean to walk away the moment things get tough. If your friend is going through a hard time, they may not be able to offer you the usual refreshment. It’s important to offer support during those times, but you can set boundaries around how and when you offer support to protect your own energy.
Once you’ve established that your need to put an end to a friendship, how exactly should you do it? Here are some tips to help you figure out how to break up with a friend.
When you are ending a friendship, you still need to display love and respect for the other person. Though it may not be well-received, you should still let them know how much you’ve cared for them and that this isn’t an easy decision for you. Don’t speak harshly or be cruel in any way. In my mind, I’m always hoping that if the person looks back on the incident later on, they might realize that I did care about them.
It can be tempting to just ghost someone, taking the easy way out. If a friendship is very casual or you don’t see each other often, you can sometimes end the friendship by not initiating any communication. It may just die out on its own, and if that happens, that’s okay. But if you were really close to someone, this may not work and could be even more hurtful. You owe it to them to communicate about why you are putting an end to things.
You need to confront the issue rather than avoid it. This often requires some courage. Let the friend know that you can’t tolerate their behavior and explain why you need to leave. The only time you don’t need to do this is if the person is abusive. In the case where confrontation might lead to further harm, do what you need to in order to protect yourself. But in most circumstances, communicate respectfully what the problem is. This might anger or upset them in the moment, but it gives them a chance to self-reflect and make changes to their behavior in the future.
Is there a toxic friendship that you need to put an end to? How has that friendship affected you? What can you do to either end it or redefine the friendship with new boundaries? Ask God for his help if you find yourself in this kind of situation. Ask him for the courage to communicate kindly and firmly.
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