When I was younger, I moved in with a friend I had recently met. We were roommates for about nine months, until one week some events transpired that caused me to have to move out right away. In the aftermath, I realized that this person had been wearing a mask with me the entire time. They were not at all who they claimed to be. I had reason to believe that this person was a covert narcissist.
Before I share my story, I want to explain what it means to be a covert narcissist. Narcissistic people lack empathy and care only for themselves. Overtly narcissistic people tend to flaunt their self-centeredness, while covert narcissists disguise themselves as being altruistic and actually caring for others.
All narcissists form relationships based on who can give them their narcissistic supply. This “supply” is adoration or control. They need friends who feed into their inflated view of themselves, or who can be controlled and make them feel powerful.
If a relationship proves not to provide the supply they need, they will drop that person. If a covert narcissist’s true personality is unveiled, they will do everything they can to discredit the person who uncovered it. They will smear that person to anyone who will listen and paint themselves as the victim in the situation.
Let’s get into what happened: it all started out great. She showered me with compliments in the beginning of our friendship. We spent time together and seemed to get along. But after moving in, I started feeling like something was off.
We had recurring disagreements. Many were centered around things like cleanliness. I was a much neater person than she was, and often would clean our shared living spaces, thinking it was a nice gesture. Instead, she seemed to think that my cleanliness was an attack on her lack of it.
Another thing that didn’t add up: when we agreed to move in together, I told her I was an introvert and would need alone time. She responded by saying that we had that in common, and she too would need alone time. But once I moved in I felt like she was actually quite extroverted and often didn’t respect my alone time. I chalked it up to a lack of self-awareness, but looking back I think she just told me what she thought I wanted to hear.
I felt like she was envious whenever I was good at something. If friends came over and complimented the way I had decorated my room, she seemed uncomfortable. I would try to point out areas where she shined to encourage her, but it didn’t seem to help the situation.
Whenever we had a disagreement, I would confront her about it. She would seem contrite and would say all the right things to fix it. But eventually, the same problems would return, and I would realize she only said sorry to placate me.
But there was one big disagreement that really showed me what was going on. I don’t want to share the details, because it involves someone else with whom I’ve made things right. But suffice it to say, the two of us had an argument with someone else. I had tried not to get involved, but she talked me into it. When I realized I didn’t want to further the fight, I backed out and advised her to do the same. She refused.
Months later, the disagreement was brought up by my roommate once again. But she had changed the story. She told me that I had pushed her into something she was uncomfortable with. That I had been the ringleader, and she just got sucked in by accident. I realized then that she was trying to gaslight me into taking all of the blame for what happened.
Once I saw this manipulation, the whole thing unraveled for me. I realized she had been trying to find ways to manipulate me throughout the entirety of our friendship. I realized she was acting like my friend while talking badly behind my back. At last I realized that she wasn’t who she was pretending to be.
I decided I had to move out before things escalated, but when I told her I was leaving, that triggered her. She came home and confronted me. She told me I was running away from the situation, and that she had been nothing but welcoming to me.
I looked at her and all I said was, “You talked so much $$$$ behind my back.”
Her face and demeanor instantly changed from kind to maniacal. In a witchy voice she replied, “Well it was all true!”
I continued packing my things with the friend I had brought with me. Afterward, I only shared what happened with a few trusted people, but I’m positive that an alternate version of the story was told to anyone who would listen.
Later on, I read up on covert narcissists and really identified with what I read. Upon reflection, I realized that there were flaws I had that got me into this situation. Now that I am self-aware of these issues and have worked through them, I’m confident I can avoid repeating history.
Here are three things that make you vulnerable to narcissistic abuse. Sprinkled throughout these points are some red flags that you can also pay attention to in order to protect yourself.
If you have trouble setting boundaries or saying, “no” to someone, this will set you up to be used by a narcissist. They will pick up on this like a vulture and capitalize on it.
They will push every boundary of yours, testing them to see if you will hold firm or cave. In my situation, I remember feeling like there was a tug of war. While I didn’t quite fold to every demand or request, I realized later that she was pushing my buttons repeatedly to test me. She was intentionally looking for which areas of weakness she could manipulate.
To protect yourself, work on your boundary setting. Examine areas in which you were weak and strengthen them. Consider talking to a trusted friend, a pastor, or a therapist. You can role play to practice how to set boundaries in a kind and firm way – and without guilt.
Side note: before you talk to someone, make sure they understand narcissistic abuse. I had one friend who didn’t understand what happened and told me I was being harsh and exaggerating the situation. You will want to talk to someone who can clearly see the harm the situation with the covert narcissist caused.
For me, this was the biggest area I needed to work on. I’m not super judgmental about other people’s sins, and I tend to extend grace when I uncover them. But sometimes, there are things that need to be called out in love and corrected. And sometimes, there are red flags we miss if we jump too quickly into extending grace.
There are many examples of bad behavior in this situation that I overlooked, telling myself that it was immaturity or just something God had yet to address with her. But I’ll share the biggest red flag that didn’t register with me. I distinctly remember observing her treatment of others and thinking, “She really doesn’t have empathy.”
A lack of empathy is a huge red flag – the tell tale sign of a narcissist. But I didn’t have knowledge of this at the time. Had I known, I could’ve run away at this observation and avoided a world of hurt.
I’ll tell you another red flag – this one’s in Proverbs. There is a verse that says that the one who conceals his hatred has lying lips. I watched this girl be kind to someone’s face and act completely different behind their back. If someone can deceive by pretending to like someone they don’t like, that means they are a liar.
Before I had this experience, it was hard for me to believe that someone could live their entire life just to target and harm others. I’m not perfect (far from it), but I would never intentionally deceive someone, fake my entire personality, or target someone to hurt them. I believed that most other people were like me. This belief made it hard for me to realize what was going on. I believed that her intentions were good, like mine were.
I had to learn that people like this do exist and their intentions are to manipulate and harm. Now that I know this, I can protect myself from ending up in a similar situation in the future.
As another side note: just like I believed her intentions were good because mine were, she believed my intentions were shady – like hers were. Narcissistic people are highly suspicious of others because they believe everyone thinks like they do. This is another red flag to be aware of!
These days, I’m able to avoid getting entangled with narcissists. I’ve found the best way to steer clear is to quietly distance myself when I observe the red flags. I’m friendly, but I don’t get close. And I don’t share my observations about them with anyone except my husband.
My life is truly peaceful right now, and it’s because I know how to form healthy, life-giving connections and protect myself from the bad ones.
I hope this helps you if you have ever unmasked a covert narcissist. The aftermath can be so painful, with that person telling lies about you to save face with everyone else.
You are not alone, and you don’t have to end up in that situation ever again. Choose to learn from it and choose to change the things about you that made you an easy target. You can heal and then use what you’ve experienced to help others.
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