I think there are a lot of people in this world who have had a bad experience with church. Church can be a place of incredible friendship, love, and support. However, it also can be a place where profound hurt and pain occur. If you’ve ever been hurt by church leadership or by a congregation, you may find yourself encountering some challenges in your healing journey.
I personally have been wounded by a church I attended in the past. I’ve shared the story on here before, so you can read my testimony here if you’re interested. My goal in sharing my experience is not to seek revenge or throw anyone under the bus. But over the years, I’ve just seen so many others who have been hurt by church. Some of them have given up on God or church altogether. I hope that by sharing my thoughts on this, I can encourage healing and restoration. Perhaps I can also convince someone not to give up on finding a church community.
In this blog post, I am sharing my advice for how to heal from a bad church experience. If you’re hurting, I hope this can be a guide for how to find freedom and peace.
I think the most important thing to do first when you are hurt by church is the acknowledge it. Your hurt is real and your pain is valid. It can be hard to acknowledge your hurt if it came from people you never expected to hurt you, or from people you may have previously viewed as leaders.
You can acknowledge and validate your pain by talking to someone you trust. This could be a close friend or a therapist if you feel you need one. Hearing someone else say, “That’s tough. You shouldn’t have been treated that way,” can really be validating.
You may not always be in control of how you are treated, but you are in control of your response. It’s important to pursue healing and to put in the work to make that happen. You don’t want to remain hurt and bitter. That can truly end up affecting how you treat others in the future.
Healing might require therapy, talking about your hurt to a close friend, or journaling your feelings. But the most important component of healing is turning to the Lord for help. Take your pain to him prayerfully. Open up to him about what you are feeling – the pain, the shock, the struggle to forgive. He will be the safest place for you to take your pain.
Even if you take every positive step to help you heal, the process will take time. It’s important to realize that if you lost friends, lost access to a church family, or lost your trust in people, you are truly in a process of grieving. The solution to grief is not instant. You may need to remind yourself of that if you find you are growing impatient in the process.
When you are hurt by church leadership, it’s important to realize that one group of people doesn’t represent everyone. You can find a new church where you are supported and loved.
It can be so easy to give up on church. You may even be afraid that another church will treat you the same way. For this reason, I think it’s okay to be slow and cautious about finding a new church. This might be controversial, but I think it’s valid to take a break for a while. I had a period where I only went to church occasionally. During this time, watched a lot of sermons online until I felt better about trying again.
I think the time off should definitely be temporary, but it’s not a bad thing. It can give you time to reflect on what, if any, red flags hinted that you might be treated badly. To find a new church, you need to understand what went wrong before. This way you aren’t attracted to a new church with the exact same problems.
If you had a bad relationship, you may not hop right back into a new relationship. You might take time off to reflect on the problems that the previous relationship had. You need to have time to reflect so you can learn how to seek out a healthier situation.
It’s important that you work through the process of forgiving the wrong that was done to you. If you don’t, you risk becoming bitter and preventing yourself from fully healing.
Remembering how much God has forgiven you can help you when you’re struggling to forgive. In my situation, I had to remind myself that I am not perfect. I am just as in need of forgiveness as they are. Doing this made it easier for me not to villainize the people who hurt me. Just like me, they are imperfect people who make mistakes. It can be hard to think this way when the hurt is profound. However, I think forgiveness is a crucial part of healing.
If at all possible, try to make things right between you and the other parties involved. In my case, I had a lot of people that completely ghosted me. As a result, I was unable to fix things with them. I tried reaching out to a few people, but it became clear that communication was unwelcome. If the others involved don’t want to talk to you, you don’t need to force yourself on them.
You may also not be able to reconcile if you recognize that the expectations for how a reconciliation would take place are unfair or unhealthy. In my case, my perspective of what happened was completely dismissed. The other parties were denying some of the things they had done to me. I felt that their process of reconciliation would have been unfair to me and the power dynamic was uneven. I didn’t want to put myself through that when I already was going through a lot.
All that to say: if reconciliation ever becomes possible, I think pursuit of that is ideal. But don’t do it at your own expense. Don’t keep trying if it becomes clear that they don’t want to hear from you.
Perhaps you have been hurt by church leadership or by the people in the church. If you need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to reach out. I am always open to chatting and sharing my own healing process.
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