An online lifestyle magazine for Christian women
Setting healthy boundaries is something I’ve struggled with in the past. As a people pleaser, I had a hard time saying no to activities I didn’t really want to do, friendships that weren’t really good for me, or even saying no to loaning out things that I didn’t really feel comfortable sharing with other people. This often led me into bad situations with people, finding myself in friendships that were unhealthy or detrimental to my wellbeing.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned how to set boundaries around my time, my resources, and my friendships. I used to feel guilty saying no, especially if I felt like the other person was hurt by my no. But I’ve come to see how boundaries can really protect me and my peace and happiness from being affected by other people.
If you aren’t familiar with the term, you may be wondering: what are boundaries? Boundaries are limits you set to determine what behaviors are acceptable from those around you. These limits protect your physical, mental, and spiritual wellbeing.
Here are some examples of boundaries I set in my own life:
If I’m not in the mood to talk to people, I don’t pick up my phone when they call. I call them later when I have energy and headspace for it.
If I need time to myself or time to just be with my immediate family, I will count that as me being busy, and I won’t make plans with people during that time.
I am friendly with everyone, but I’m choosy about who I let close to me. My closest friends are supportive, share my values, and don’t bring negativity or drama into my life.
I don’t loan out money or items that I would be upset if they weren’t returned or were returned damaged.
I don’t talk on the phone while I’m spending time with friends, unless it’s my husband calling with something important, in which case I’ll keep it brief out of respect to my friend.
In general, I don’t talk politics on social media or with most of my friends. Your boundaries also include what topics you are or aren’t willing to discuss.
These are just a few examples of boundaries, but they all have something in common. Boundaries protect you, your belongings, your family, and your peace. Rather than making you a worse friend, boundaries actually protect your relationships. They ensure you give your best self to people in your life who matter. They avoid potential pitfalls (I’m thinking of my rule about loaning money or things out) that could cause problems in your friendships. Boundaries allow you to guard your heart, which is something the Bible tells us to do.
When setting healthy boundaries, there are some best practices to follow:
Don’t over communicate when discussing boundaries. Use simple language and don’t explain yourself more than you need to. You don’t owe them a ton of details – be concise and get to the point.
If boundaries aren’t respected, you need to take action, or else they will be continually pushed. You may need to pull back from the friendship or end it entirely.
If you are not used to setting boundaries, it will be challenging at first. But it does get easier the more you do it! When I was younger, I always felt guilty and second guessed myself when setting boundaries. Lately, I’ve been able to set them more easily, and I’ve also been able to communicate boundaries before even entering a questionable friendship.
Having healthy boundaries has truly brought me to a place of so much peace. But what do you do when someone doesn’t respect your boundaries? In your life, you will probably encounter people who don’t understand the purpose of your boundaries and may have trouble respecting them. I can think of multiple examples of this in my own life.
A prime example I can think of is a guy friend that I had when I was still single. We were hanging out or talking a few times a week. This guy liked me, and I didn’t view him romantically. I began to feel we were hanging out too much for being “just friends.” I didn’t want to end the friendship, but I tried to be a little less responsive to put some distance between us. They noticed this, and pestered me with texts asking if I was okay. I decided to be honest and let them know how I felt about the frequency of our hangouts. It was not well received, and he was so angry at me that he ended the friendship. It was probably for the best, because I ended up dating my now husband shortly after, and I don’t entertain close male friendships any more.
I also remember one time when I was younger, I had a friend who didn’t understand my need for alone time. They would get impatient if I didn’t text them back immediately while I was working on a personal project. One week, I made it known that I needed some alone time and that I would not be available to talk or text. This person proceeded to text and call multiple times, disregarding what I had said. Eventually, their repeated disrespect for my boundaries led to a falling out. I told them I needed space and pulled away from the friendship.
When your boundaries make someone upset with you, this is a red flag. Proceed with caution when this happens. Be clear about communicating the boundary and give them a chance to respect it. If they don’t, you may need to evaluate the friendship. In my first example, the friend was so angry at me for setting the boundary that they pulled away on their own. In the second example, I had to do the pulling away. You may have to be willing to let friends go if they aren’t respectful to boundaries. It can be painful at the time, but it will ultimately lead to a more peaceful life.
Back to example number two: years later, I reconnected with the friend who didn’t respect my alone time. We were able to pick things back up with a more casual friendship where my boundaries were respected. Sometimes, people grow and change in this area. I think it’s important to allow them to do so. I’m glad I was able to give this person a second chance and keep them in my life. I value their friendship, and I’m happy that my boundaries are now respected.
Some people don’t respect boundaries because they don’t understand them. When you set a limit, they think it means you don’t care. In the case of the friend that I reconnected with, I truly loved this person, even though I was frustrated with their actions. When they changed their behavior, I was happy to welcome them back into my life in a new capacity.
When you have to pull away from a friendship because of boundary issues, you may consider communicating that they are welcome back into your life should their behavior change. You don’t absolutely have to do this, but if you genuinely mean it and really care about that person, it might be a nice thing to let them know. Someday they may come to realize what they were doing. Knowing that you wanted them around – but just couldn’t handle the boundaries being crossed – might lead them to understand that you did truly care.
When you think about setting boundaries, what comes to mind? Do you feel you have set appropriate boundaries in your life, or are there changes that need to be made? Is there anyone that you think of as someone who doesn’t respect your boundaries? Prayerfully consider how to respond to these friendships, and remember that boundaries will make your life better in the long run.
Lauren Magazine is an online lifestyle magazine for Christian women.
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