Navigating Christian friendships can sometimes seem challenging. We often feel that having a lot of friends is a reflection of our popularity, or we may feel that loving people means being friends with everyone. How do we discern whether our friendships are healthy? What types of friends should we keep around us?
Jesus set us a great example in scripture for how to have healthy relationships. When we examine his life, we can learn so much about how we can live for him today. Follow along as we lay out a blueprint for Christian friendships based on the life of Christ, as well as some other parts of scripture.
Not all relationships are the same! Jesus had many different types of relationships in his life, and all of them were valuable. Like him, we have different levels of relationships in our lives.
Your family relationships are usually among the most intimate. For me, this is my spouse and my kids. They are the highest priority relationships that get the most of my time and energy. My husband is my best friend and the one I share everything with. My kids come first before other friendships. Pouring into this family unit comes before everything else!
Jesus was close with his mother, Mary. We sometimes get little glimpses into their relationship in the gospels. Mary was the one that helped launch Jesus ministry by asking him to provide wine for a wedding that had run out. He responded with his first public miracle of turning water into wine.
Jesus had three disciples that he held just a little bit closer than everyone else. He didn’t necessarily love them more than anyone else, but as a human being he had a need for close relationships.
You only need a few people to consider your best friends. These are people you spend more of your time with and who you open up to. These may be people you have a lot in common with or with whom you feel an intimate connection.
These friendships usually work best when you share similar values and beliefs. You don’t need to agree on everything, but there needs to be a mutual respect.
Jesus had nine other disciples that he walked closely with. These are your casual friendships. In general, these people still share similar values but you may not spend quite as much intimate time with them.
For me, these are people I bond with over something specific, and we have fun when we get to catch up. But I don’t see them all the time and I don’t share as much with them.
Just because someone isn’t in your inner circle doesn’t mean your connection with them isn’t important. We ought to love everyone we meet with the love of God. Jesus connected deeply and loved deeply people that he didn’t necessarily have in his circle. Jesus also felt deep love and compassion for the lost.
We ought to feel the same! We shouldn’t be having hatred or distain toward anyone, and we should seek to love others with the love of Christ. Jesus is proof that loving others doesn’t mean being everyone’s best friend. In fact, if someone is living in unrepentant sin, we might even consider removing them from our circle. But we can still love and pray for that person.
Jesus often stole away from the group for some alone time with God. As an introvert, this is really appealing to me. The first one who Jesus went to with his human pain was not a person, but his heavenly father. He did this before talking to anyone else. Before he opened up to his friends, he was dependent on God.
This is a lesson I have learned over the years. I used to seek help for my problems from my friendships, sometimes putting a strain on them. Now, I rely first on God. I still periodically seek advice from friends, but I always ask if it’s okay first and make sure not to repeatedly return to them with the same problem. They are not the first people I go to anymore.
There are some other issues that are related to having God-honoring friendships. While they may not be directly illustrated by Jesus, these are important things to remember that will help you have healthy Christian friendships.
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” – 1 Peter 5:7 NIV
Good friends should be able to give you sound advice and support you when you are going through something. But you need to remember that they are not your therapist. If you are working through big issues and placing all of the burden on your friendships, you may need to try something different.
As I’ve matured, I’ve learned to go to God first with my problems. I also tell my husband everything. At certain times, I ask my friends for advice. But if you find yourself going back to the same problems repeatedly, you may need to change something.
Think about whether you are actually putting your friend’s advice into action before you vent to them multiple times about the same issue. Consider whether you have talked with God on that issue. Also, consider whether this is an ongoing issue that could be dealt with in therapy.
“A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates close friends.” – Proverbs 16:28 NIV
A lesson I learned the hard way is that you shouldn’t gossip about anyone – even with close friends. Even if you are just talking about something you observed about someone and you don’t mean any harm. I only speak positively about people these days. You just never know when something you say will get repeated out of context by someone who won’t admit they were gossiping with you.
I no longer talk about other people to my friends. I do talk about things like this with my spouse, who I know I can trust with things I need to vent about, and who I know won’t repeat anything. Other than that, I am done with gossiping in any form. It’s better to only be caught saying nice things about people!
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” – Proverbs 4:23 NIV
In every relationship, respecting people’s boundaries is important. We need to respect boundaries, and we should have ours respected in return.
It’s important to communicate boundaries clearly rather than expecting people to guess what they are. As an example, perhaps you are in a position emotionally where you can’t give advice to someone. One of your friends keeps coming to you for advice and it’s draining you. You shouldn’t just get frustrated and keep that pent up. Let them know about your limitations and give them a chance to respect your wishes. If people ignore or try to push your boundaries after clear communication, that’s when you should take action.
I’ve had a friend before who disrespected my alone time. They would get upset if I didn’t pick up the phone or reply to texts until after I was finished with my “me” time. They didn’t understand when I explained that this boundary didn’t mean I didn’t love them – it just meant that I need time to myself sometimes, and I would get back to them when I was ready.
Eventually I had to take some time away from this friendship because of the repeatedly disrespected boundaries. But years later, with some time, we were able to reconnect under healthier circumstances.
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over…” – Matthew 18:15 NIV
When you have a problem in a friendship, whether boundaries or otherwise, communication is important. Many people will just silently distance themselves from someone when they have a problem with them.
If you value someone, you need to give them a chance to make things right with you. Confront them directly and kindly and let them fix the problem before you choose to cut them off.
This kind of communication feels difficult sometimes. You might worry about making the other person feel bad. But in the long run this will actually allow you to form a deeper connection with that friend, as long as they are receptive to what you have to say. It ultimately shows that you love them when you choose to fix something rather than bolt from the friendship.
Do your friendships reflect Christ and the Bible, or are there areas you feel need to change? Think about steps you can take to make your friendships more pleasing to the Lord.
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